I think I always seem to write about the positive, good things in life. I like to put myself out there as a nice, happy go lucky, positive person as much as I possibly can, just to add a bit of zing to those gray areas in life. But today I'm going against the grain - so take it with a grain of salt if you will, sorry, just have to explain it in a way to somewhat get it out of my system I guess. And you can just stop reading now if you feel the need, no worries here.
Life isn't that fantabulous place I'm always talking about, there aren't any pots of gold at the end of our rainbows these days. Everything is just - numb I suppose. These days are frustrating, you know. Some days I'm perfectly normal, just plaster on that fake smile if necessary but otherwise I can just go about my daily routine like I normally would. Then other days, like now, I just crash out. Like I've hit a brick wall at one hundred miles an hour - tomorrow I'll be back to normal again, and it gets tiring!
I think I've put it down to perhaps having a touch of cabin fever these days. It's normal for this time of year, for many people. I'll give you that. But I don't think I've ever been so over it as now. It's not as if I don't get out and see people, I do, every single day. However it's a normal routine now, working at my four different farms over the week. Every weekday morning feeding calves. Every weekend relief milking at another farm. Every Wednesday relief milking at a farm, and every Mon, Tue, Thurs, Fri relief milking at another farm again.
I see a lot of people, I talk, I have conversations and we compare notes with how the time of year is going. But it may as well be the same as me going to the exact same job every day, it's not exciting anymore, it's boring, I'm tired after doing this for 10 weeks straight with only two mornings off work and life in general just seems lousy.
Mum and I were talking the other day, that we haven't taken any time to just go out like we normally would every few weeks. Just jump in the car, one of us drive, take the hour trip north to walk around town, see a movie, go to our favourite cafe for lunch. But I haven't been up there for a few months now I think, although Mum and Dad are up there tonight watching a movie for a change.
So, the other day we decided we'd go to one of our other getaways, wonder around the Warehouse and find my sister a birthday present. That was fine, I drove us down there. But as soon as we arrived half an hour later, all I wanted to do was turn around and go back home. Instead, Mum dragged me around the shop and I bought a nice dress for summer - I timed it right for a change, and it was actually really cheap because it still isn't the right weather for that sort of clothing apparel.
We came back home, then off I went to milk again. That was all well and good, but I had to think - when am I ever going to wear it? I'm booked for work almost every day for the rest of the year, and my purple apron is the closet thing you can get to a dress in a cowshed!!!
I dunno. I want an opportunity to go see Sam and Chantelle, but at the same time I could hardly be bothered. Then I also want to quit the young farmers, after the last performance at the last meeting we had. But now I want to go next week just for something different to do, and all I can hope is that I can convince Aidan (a bit of a friend) to go for a change, then at least somebody might be happy to see me there...although, that is a potentially risky move that I'm not sure if I'm prepared to take again - it might get taken the wrong way... :/
Back to milking I go!