NCEA results....wasn't prepared for that. Wasn't prepared for dinner either. That Tegal ad has it wrong.
I was far, far too nervous to log on but Mum pushed me to do it. Typed in the log in details, held off for a bit. My heart was racing like crazy - as you'd expect I suppose, and I kinda felt on the sick side. Please be Ok, Please Please Please. Scrolled down, as you do. Didn't see that one coming.
National Certificate in Mathematics. That was it. No "University Entrance". No NCEA Level 3. What. The. Heck. Scrolled down a little more, Biology; plants and animal responses. Excellence. Biology; Speciation. Not Achieved. No. Way?!
This was when I wanted to crawl under a rock and cry for the rest of my life, I failed. At the final hurdle I failed, how? I was absolutely positive that my biology exams went fine, yes I admit that Speciation did sorta make me grasp at straws a little, but I thought that I'd made a pretty darned good attempt. The other one had me more worried, I'd filled it with all sorts of crazy, out there information. I took an extreme punt on adding in things that might've killed it for me, or might've given me a great score on "abstract thinking". Turns out, even though it was technically the harder paper, I must've done well by getting the Excellence.
All year, every year in Biology I've been getting marked with Merits and E's, why then could I fail a paper that I was expecting to have the better chance of passing? Because of that, I cut myself short. I guess I assumed that since I always did well, what would be the point of doing extra internals to cover for UE? I did it with Chem, I did it for Stats. I really kick myself for not expecting the unexpected.
I passed my other papers, as expected. Failed the chem organics paper - as expected. (Who didn't?!) I had no margin of error with biology, and yeah, it's my own stupid fault. No one to blame but myself. I thought that 2015 was going to be the perfect year. But already all the crap from 2014 is intruding, only two weeks in.
So there you go. University, down the drainpipe, through the S-Bend and flushed away. I'll get NCEA level 3 once my final internal credits are processed, as they were marked and applied late...I dunno, I just honestly thought that this was going to all work out. I got into Colombo, one of the best halls on Campus in my opinion. I got my student allowance. Studylink gave me no grief, whatsoever. Even though I had heard that it was difficult to work with. Everything was going to plan, until yesterday.
Alternatives? Well, there are still 2 internal assessments in Biology that I could do to make up for it, and go to Uni in Semester 2 or wait until 2016. From now on I'd have to pay to re-enrol in Te Kura. I could just wait until I'm 20, and enter as a mature student.
Honestly. My urge to study at University was like this tiny little flame on a match stick, getting buffeted around by the wind, nearing the end of the stick. And then this 20 litre bucket of water is just poured on top of this defenseless little flame. Gone. I have no urge to study anymore. And the stupid thing is, I actually thought I wanted to go to Uni. I was so keen, and kinda of the opinion that it was the best option for me, that I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter. There may be the possibility that four years ago I convinced myself to believe in what may just be a lie. I don't think I ever really wanted to go? I wanted to graduate, that has been my dream since I was little, knowing that I'd never get the chance to, made me push to get there.
Yesterday I was so angry and upset about it all. Today I woke up still feeling a little numb, but the burden was gone. I'm Free! I feel like bouncing off the walls. What a joke?!
No longer do I have the pressure to work, work, work to come up with the money that would've left my hands almost straight away, just to pay for an accommodation deposit. No longer do I have the worry of not quite having enough to pay for it on time. Yes, I'm peeved that I've worked almost three weeks straight with barely any time off, just to try and cover it.
Mum said, "keep thinking about uni" and I did. I imagined what my room would be like, and the people I know but have never met. Being able to spend time with the family I hardly know but desperately want to. It was going to be the best time of my life. So I thought!
Now I've got endless opportunities and no idea what on Earth to do. I've got the money to do whatever I like and time seems like it will never run out. I could do an OE, although that was never on my "to do" list. I could train as an AB Technician, and/or go to the south Island and experience farming in that region. I could study something through North Tec, Ag ITO or something similar if I so desperately wanted to. The world is at my fingertips, all I've got to do is figure something out.
My family run by the saying, "whatever happens, will happen for a reason". Many things that happen, we later find were blessings in disguise. Although they may not look all that rosey at first, later on you'll realise that actually, hey, I'm glad that happened the way it did.
All summer I've been having doubts about my exams, after at the last youth group night something was said. It was a little bit of an unusual night. Where each person had a turn in the middle and we'd all say something encouraging or describe the first thing that came to mind. If you had something come to you as a, I dunno, a vision thing whatever.
Anywho, my youth leader was like, "this may not be very encouraging, but. I can see you're very organised and you've got your whole life sorta planned out. But, just want to say that it's not gonna end the way you want it to. Your plans aren't going to work out how you want" etc etc. Someone also saw the colour yellow. Well Mum bought me a yellow Magnolia for Christmas, because she remembered what was said. And now all my plans have gone haywire. I felt frustrated at first, but now that I'm piecing it all together, I'm realising that my plans may have failed. But it's not my plans that are going to lead my life to where it should be. So now I'm really excited about the fact that the plan for me is going to plan, and here's the proof. Life couldn't be better! Next thing on the agenda, text my youth leader and tell him what happened and that he was right...
What amuses me the most about this situation is the fact that I got a "National Certificate in Maths" when, I never aimed for it. Didn't even know it existed. Maths is my worst subject. Interesting.
And the biggest bonus of this all, don't need to move out of home just yet. I'm now seeing so many negatives and realising how much I would've hated it. Would've gotten so homesick, away from the family I'm so close with, and cats I've never been without. Living in a city would've been torture for this country bumpkin. And honestly, not milking cows for so many weeks straight would've given me withdrawals. The people I milk for every weekend better not go back on wanting me to stay, I'm sure they'll be over the moon. :)
Life goes on, and it's looking fantabulous. Will look even better once my new word is added to the dictionary :)